Dr. Abigail Leigh Phillips

Category: fears

  • The Traveling Academic: Maintaining (a Reasonable Amount of) Sanity

    The Traveling Academic: Maintaining (a Reasonable Amount of) Sanity

    Recently, I listened to a new episode of one of my favorite podcasts, The Hilarious World of Depression, during which the host and Jeremy Pelletier, a non-profit director and geographer, talked about the impact of travel on mental health, particularly Jeremy’s. After having a major panic attack in an airport a few weeks earlier, it was so wonderful to hear that I’m not alone in my travel panic and anxiety. I know I’m not alone. I’ve been a mental health advocate for several years now. “You are not alone” is my mantra, but in the moment (several hours) at that airport it REALLY felt like I was very much alone.

    Art Institute in Chicago.
    Photo Credit: who took this photo of me??

    While listening to the episode , I began to recognize many of my own anxieties, obsessions, and paranoid tendencies towards travel. I recognized how little importance I’ve placed on my mental health. I travel quite a bit for both work and personal random excursions. I’ve always loved to travel and explore. As a kid dreaming of roaming around the world. It may be partially why I majored in anthropology in undergrad…. (did not work out. Apparently, I’m not as cool as Ruth Benedict.). But I suffer from major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and panic disorder and have for many years. Why I didn’t connect the anxiety of travel with my mental health struggles, I’ll never know.

    I didn’t notice a change in my mental health and traveling until slightly after I moved to Utah in 2016. During my postdoctoral fellowship there, I attended (flew) to a lot of conferences. I was also had a partner in Florida and all my family back in Georgia. Requiring lots of holiday travel which I’ve never needed to do before. I made the mistake of flying several red eyes (New experience. Never again.) to Florida. Red eye flights mentally and physically knock me out for days. Personally, it’s not worth it.

    During one flight to Florida from Utah for Thanksgiving, I had my first panic attack mid-flight. I had a window seat (where I sit has now become very important) and suddenly wanted TO GET OFF THE PLANE. IMMEDIATELY. NOW. Of course, the plane was in the air which posed a few problems. I felt an overwhelming sense of fear, claustrophobia, racing heart rate, confusion, and dizziness. Somehow I calmed myself down (or cried and calmed down or mentally shut down.) My memory is always a little fuzzy after these experiences. Either way I did eventually get off the plane.

    The worst (to date) has been when I went to three cross-country conferences back-to-back-to-back: Philadelphia, Chicago, and Stanford. Why would any relatively intelligent person do this to themselves knowing ONE conference is draining enough? Still haven’t figured it out. I wasn’t pressured. I asked to go. Dedication? Stubbornness? Odd belief in myself? Bad ideas, eh?

    By the time it was time to finally fly out of the San Francisco airport, I essentially crawled onto the plane, physically sick, and agonizing every moment I wasn’t home yet. Again, in my brain, I begged to GET OFF THIS PLANE once we were in the air. It took a several days for me to recover once I got back to Utah. I could barely function. The combination of extreme panic, stress, anxiety, and depression overwhelmed my brain and body. Small tasks were impossible. Hopefully, that will remain the worst.

    My travel anxiety begins the minute I book a flight. I stress over everything – getting a hotel, figuring out my schedule if it’s for a conference, wondering irrationally how I will get from the airport to my hotel or AirBnB (what I can’t find a Lyft?!?!?). There are a few tricks/tips that do (most of time) help me.

    • TSA Pre-Check – lasts for 5 years and relatively expensive ($85) for the relief it brings my getting to the airport anxiety.
    • AISLE SEAT – I need that seat. I will not change seats with you, fair warning. Some illusion of freedom is what I need.
    • Early morning flights – less people and we’re all usually half asleep anyway. Nice and quiet.
    • Klonopin – Just saying. Psychiatrist prescribed.
    • My worry stone and my “I am enough” ring- my former therapist in Utah taught me a lot about how something physical or doing something tactile can help (e.g. tapping side of your leg softly, practicing four square/box breathing). Small things do wonders for me.
    • Making a special playlist and downloading several episodes of podcasts.
    • Delta Sky Club if I have a long layover – Honestly, you’ll spend the same amount of money in the airport, but in the Sky Club you have quiet. And cookies. And all the outlets. And fewer children.
    • Making up stories about people on the plane. Flying brings out surprisingly unique habits and actions in people (me very much included).
    Me & Snowpocalypse in Philly.
    Photo credit: Julia Skinner.

    Sometimes these don’t work, and I end up in a random corner of LAX crying. But THAT’S OKAY. I’m not okay but that’s also okay. In that moment, I’m doing all I can. I can’t let my brain mishaps keep me from doing the traveling I love. I live with mental illness and probably always will. That’s the reality I know. But I’ve made it this far. Can’t stop me now.

    Readings of Interest:

    We Need to Talk About Mental Health and Travel
    National Alliance on Mental Illness: Tips to Stay Mentally Healthy While Traveling
    5 People Reveal What It’s Like To Travel With A Mental Illness

  • “I’m Not Sure Why I”m Here: A Panicked Story, Part 2″

    I want to thank you all for your outpouring of love and support. I had no idea what to expect when I pressed “publish” on Part 1. Right now I feel both very exposed and empowered. A contradictory feeling but a good one. Thank you to those who shared stories of personal struggles via social media, blog comments, and e-mails. I know that couldn’t have been easy. I admire your strength and perseverance.

    As I mentioned in my last post, I’m going to dig a bit deeper and answer some questions from my draft-reading librarian friend (you’re the best!) and a few of my own questions in this last post. Hopefully, my writing flows along somewhat smoothly. Here we go.

    The New Member’s Round Table (NMRT) panel at ALA Annual hasn’t been my only panic attack during a presentation, but it has been my worst. My other panic attack happened during the last semester of my Master’s in Library and Information Studies (MLIS) program at Florida State University (FSU). As part of my coursework, I had an assignment to develop and carry out a training session about some aspect of library work. I decided to create a basic research workshop about databases, online tools, and helpful websites for our library staff. There were (maybe?) seven people at the workshop, but I still felt the intensity of pressure and anxiety. The morning of the workshop, I went to the gym very early because I thought working out would help. As I got ready for work, I went through my index cards of notes obsessively. While backing up the driveway to get to the library, I reversed into my mom’s car. Freaked out. My dad calmed me down as well as he could. I got to work, set everything up in the meeting room, and began my workshop. After the first 15 minutes, I relaxed a bit. I knew these people, had worked with them for a while, and they appeared to be engaged. Before the panel, that was my only other panic attack during a presentation. My panic level was seriously uncomfortable but manageable-ish.

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  • I’m Not Sure Why I’m Here: A Panicked Story, Part 1

    It’s about a week out from my marathon, back-to-back, cross-country June conference tour of CSCL, ALA Annual 2017, and IDC. I’ve had some time to get sick, rest, run a lot, catch up on e-mail, and talk out my conference experiences with those close to me and an amazing therapist. Conferencing is always challenging; sometimes fun, sometime frustrating, sometimes confusing, sometimes rewarding, etc. But, for me, this two-week conferencing period has been my hardest yet. I’ve attended back-to-back conferences several times before but only two in a row within the same city. Over my two weeks of conferences, I presented four times (two of which were to unfamiliar (non-LIS) audiences), attended multiple committee meetings, tried to finish some deadline-driven writing, attempted data collection, and talked about myself more than I like. Going to conferences to discuss your research, learn about the work of your colleagues, and expand your knowledge of a new or familiar field is exciting. I’m very thankful that I have so many opportunities to travel, meet new people, learn, and share.

    But what I really want to focus on is a conference experience where I had an almost paralyzing panic attack that I’m still trying to understand. This happened during the New Members Round Table (NMRT) Orientation Session panel at Annual. A few months before the conference, I received a lovely e-mail asking if I would participate on the panel. Immediately I wondered why would anyone would ask me? Seriously? What did I have to offer? (What you see here is the lingering low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, and diminished self-worth heightened by my experiences in a doctoral program. But that’s for another post.). Finally, I replied “Yes!” because it sounded fun and a good experience for a panel newbie like me.

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  • Defending My Dissertation and Other Things I’ve Experienced Recently

    Defending My Dissertation and Other Things I’ve Experienced Recently

    On Monday, February 8, I successfully defended my dissertation. I stood up in front of a room of people and presented my dissertation research, opening myself up to questions and critiques (constructive). I’ve talked about my fear of public speaking on this blog before. While my fear has calmed somewhat, I still hate speaking in front of people. HATE. To help deal with this during my defense, I went with an old school approach. I printed off my lecture notes, glued them to large index cards, and presented with those by my side. To me, this felt like cheating. Shouldn’t I be confident enough to present my hard work to a room full of people who care about me? (No). But as my major professor said, “This isn’t a public speaking competition. It’s a dissertation defense”. It doesn’t really matter. I survived and passed.

    I’ve gotten a lot of questions from friends and acquaintances since my defense. “How do you feel now that you’re on the other side?”, “Don’t you feel more relaxed?”, “Has your work load changed”, and my least favorites,”What are your next steps? Where do you go from here?”. I realize people are well-meaning and generally care about me, but I have trouble dealing with these questions. I generally feel a sense of helplessness, frustration, and dread when one of these questions pops up. I’ve decided to respond to these questions in a post (a place where none of these people will ever see my responses).

    First, let’s address, “How do you feel now that you’re on the other side?”. Right after the defense, I felt numb. I didn’t know what to feel or think. I went on like this for several days. There’s such a build up (emotionally and intellectually) to the defense. So much anxiety, stress, and fear. It’s hard to know what to feel after the presentation is over, you’ve met with your committee, and all the forms are signed. After awhile, this numbness turned into nothingness. Right now, I feel nothing. I don’t feel happy, excited, sad, or upset about the end of my dissertation or even the end of my doctoral career. I don’t feel anything except a vague sense of confusion. Maybe this is because I have revisions I need to make. It could be that once I complete these minor revisions , I’ll feel like I truly succeeded. Or maybe it’ll be after graduation when I officially receive my PhD and can be called Dr. Phillips. I don’t know.

    Second, “Don’t you feel more relaxed? Has your work load changed?”. No and no. I am  person who is incapable of fully relaxing. Are there others like me? I should investigate this further. I have trouble relaxing for a variety of reasons, but I right now I can’t relax. Defending my dissertation didn’t help me relax or decrease my workload. I still have to find a job and finish edits to my dissertation. Maybe people believe that after defending your dissertation you have all this free time or can shift gears and work on something else. This hasn’t been the case for me. Perhaps it is for others. Lucky you!

    Finally, the questions of “What are your next steps? Where do you go from here?”. Well, looking for a job is what I’m doing (and editing my dis). In all honesty, I don’t know where I’ll go from here. It depends on where I get a job. The job search process is kind of exciting, terrifying, nerve wracking, and frustrating. Applying to jobs is so time consuming and tedious. Sometimes it feels like you’re throwing yourself into the void, forced to patiently wait for some sort of response. I will find a job (I say this in a confident, convincing sort of voice to myself a lot, “Yes, I will!”). Then, go from there.

    Hopefully, my ramblings aren’t coming across as negative or concerning. I’m simply using this post as a way to deal with the range of emotions I’m feeling (or not feeling) at the moment. Enjoy the confusion with me!