Dr. Abigail Leigh Phillips

Category: meditation

  • “I’m Not Sure Why I”m Here: A Panicked Story, Part 2″

    I want to thank you all for your outpouring of love and support. I had no idea what to expect when I pressed “publish” on Part 1. Right now I feel both very exposed and empowered. A contradictory feeling but a good one. Thank you to those who shared stories of personal struggles via social media, blog comments, and e-mails. I know that couldn’t have been easy. I admire your strength and perseverance.

    As I mentioned in my last post, I’m going to dig a bit deeper and answer some questions from my draft-reading librarian friend (you’re the best!) and a few of my own questions in this last post. Hopefully, my writing flows along somewhat smoothly. Here we go.

    The New Member’s Round Table (NMRT) panel at ALA Annual hasn’t been my only panic attack during a presentation, but it has been my worst. My other panic attack happened during the last semester of my Master’s in Library and Information Studies (MLIS) program at Florida State University (FSU). As part of my coursework, I had an assignment to develop and carry out a training session about some aspect of library work. I decided to create a basic research workshop about databases, online tools, and helpful websites for our library staff. There were (maybe?) seven people at the workshop, but I still felt the intensity of pressure and anxiety. The morning of the workshop, I went to the gym very early because I thought working out would help. As I got ready for work, I went through my index cards of notes obsessively. While backing up the driveway to get to the library, I reversed into my mom’s car. Freaked out. My dad calmed me down as well as he could. I got to work, set everything up in the meeting room, and began my workshop. After the first 15 minutes, I relaxed a bit. I knew these people, had worked with them for a while, and they appeared to be engaged. Before the panel, that was my only other panic attack during a presentation. My panic level was seriously uncomfortable but manageable-ish.

    (more…)

  • I’m Going to the Gym! Or, Why I Exercise

    I’m Going to the Gym! Or, Why I Exercise

    I get a lot of questions about my exercise habits, but recently it feels like people are slightly more curious. During the past six months, I’ve become more active in long distance running and posting about my training and races on social media. This may be the reason for this curiosity. I love talking (and nagging people) about exercise and nutrition, so this seems like a good time to blog about my fitness fanaticism and how exercise has helped me as a PhD student.

    I had no idea when I started working out during my Junior year as an undergrad at University of Georgia that exercise would become a life-long passion. Boredom is what really forced me to go to the gym. It was summer and all my friends had left for home. Exercise became something to do. Now, I don’t even think about whether or not to work out. I wake up and go. I exercise while I travel. I exercise on my birthday. I exercise on holidays. I may be exercising as you are reading this!

    Exercise gives me time to think. I think about so many things, my dissertation, relationships, to-do lists, daydreams. It’s my time to focus on myself and what’s going on in this head of mine. I feel mentally stronger and happier after I work out. Endorphins are great! Also, exercise tires me out physically. I’ve struggled with insomnia since middle school, but exercise helps quiet my overactive mind and uses up some of my excess energy. Instead of dealing with racing thoughts while I’m trying to sleep, I just sleep. I like sleep.

    What I eat is just as important as how much I exercise. I’ve been an almost life-long vegetarian, but during high school and undergrad I ate a lot of junk. Healthy eating just made sense as I began to workout regularly. I started listening to my body more. I paid attention to the foods I ate that made me feel good, and the foods that didn’t. Slowly over the years I’ve become a super healthy eater. There’s always room in my life for foods that some people may call “guilty pleasures”, but I don’t see food as good or bad anymore. Placing food into these categories only leads to dangerous habits (for me anyway). I eat a balanced diet that includes whole grains, fruits, veggies, legumes (weird sounding word), and other yummy things. Being mindful about my eating is more important to me that sticking to a super-strict diet. Once again mindfulness can be used in so many ways!

    I’ll willingly admit to being a gym rat. For most of my exercising life, I’ve worked out alone. To be honest, I tend to get annoyed when people talk to me while I’m working out. Can’t they see I’m in the zone??? But recently, I’m started incorporating non-gym stuff into my exercise routine. I can work out in places other than the gym. There’s a whole world outside of the gym! It’s taken me awhile to realize this and get out of my gym rut. This is where running fits in.

    I love physical challenges! My current challenge is long-distance running. In February, I completed my first half-marathon with a respectable time. (I don’t like to share my times. I run for myself and not to compete against anyone else. If I’m happy with how I ran, that’s all that matters to me.) I have another half lined up for early May. I recently joined a training group that’s part of my local running club. This has drastically improved my running. We run every Sunday morning, adding another mile each week. Running for more than 5 miles alone is a struggle for me. Now matter how amazing of a playlist I make for a run, I hit a boredom wall. If I’m going to run a marathon next year (my goal!), I need a support system that motivates me to run a lot every week. Otherwise, I’ll find some excuse and plateau. I know myself too well. I also have a weekly shorter run with a fellow doc student and friend (Hi Jen!). I love having someone to run with and talk about our PhD lives.

    What are my fitness challenges for the future, you ask? Right now, it’s training for a full marathon. I plan to run it early next year. A few more halfs and I think I’ll be ready. I also want to become a certified group fitness instructor, probably spinning or weight training. I’ve been wanting to do this for years. Now seems like a good time! Another challenge is a 5 minute plank. I can do this. I’m at 3 minutes already! Finally, this spring I’m hoping to join an adult sports league. I’ve never been good at team sports, especially those that require you to hit or catch a ball. But there must be SOMETHING I can play without embarrassing myself. Kickball seems to be a good option. How bad could this go??

    What does this all have to do with my school life? I honestly think that without fitness and healthy eating I wouldn’t be able to deal with the stress of grad school. This felt true while I worked on my MLIS and it’s true now. Exercise has helped me become both mentally and physically stronger. “Healthy body, healthy mind” is a good mantra. I can deal with more than I ever thought I could as a result of my healthy lifestyle. I still struggle with stuff, but I can manage it. When I’m in doubt/anxious/stressed/bummed about my work, I hit the gym or go for a run. Long distance running is hard! So so incredibly hard for me. Running a marathon is good analogy to the doctoral program. It’s a long, grueling process that involves a lot of self-doubt, tears, and frustration. It takes dedication and determination. It’s definitely not for the weak. But the end is wonderful and the pain is worth it!

    Interesting Reads:

    Disclaimer: I’m not a certified personal trainer or nutritionist. I’m just a fitness and healthy eating enthusiast. I may nag the people I love about exercising and eating better, but I can do that because they’re stuck with me. This post is about what works for me. Talk to your doctor before you start or change your fitness or eating routines.

  • The Mindful Presenter

    The Mindful Presenter

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve had an almost paralyzing fear of speaking in public. Despite the fact that I sung, acted, and improvised on stage while growing up, the idea of presenting my own thoughts and opinions to an audience terrified me. Then, once I became a librarian, that changed. Maybe because I played the role of a “librarian” to an audience instead of “Abby”, but whatever the reason, public speaking didn’t scare me. I loved doing television spots for the library, presenting in front of any age group, promoting the library during public events, and presenting one-on-one with patrons and staff. This confidence vanished when I left the library and became a doctoral student.

    I don’t exactly know why, but I have some ideas. There is something incredibility personal about what you chose to research, especially once you reach the dissertation stage. At least this is the case for me. I’m passionate about what I research. My dissertation consumes most of my waking thoughts, so the idea of someone criticizing my research and calling me out fills me with fear. I also worry that the audience will “see thorough me” in some way and realize that I’m a fake, a terrible researcher, writer, and generally bad person. The Imposter Syndrome is strongly at play here. I’ve written about my struggles with it before. I know logically that these feelings and thoughts aren’t true. But emotionally I don’t. I definitely don’t. This is where mindfulness helps.

    I’ve practiced mindfulness meditation for years following the suggestion of a childhood friend and now practicing therapist. (Well, attempting to practice for the most part. It’s hard.) But I never connected the usefulness of mindfulness to public speaking. Several months ago, one of my committee members recommended the book, Public Speaking for Psychologists: A Lighthearted Guide to Research Presentations, Job Talks, and Other Opportunities to Embarrass Yourself by Paul S. Silvia. Geared towards psychologists but helpful to anyone in the academic world, I love this book.

    Along with many other helpful reflections, the author discusses the use of meditation for reducing public speaking anxiety. He offers up a body-scan approach for use before presentations. Occasionally in yoga, I’m lucky enough to have an instructor who will end the class with a guided body-scan meditation. It’s amazingly relaxing and particularly helpful for those (like me) who have trouble shutting off their mind. I never would have thought about using this type of meditation to combat public speaking anxiety, but it has helped me more than I can express. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, apparently a fancy name in meditation,

    When we practice the body scan, we are systematically and intentionally moving our attention thought the body, attending to the various sensations in the different regions. That we can attend to these body sensations at all is quite remarkable. That we can do it at will, either impulsively or in a more disciplined systematic way, is even more so. Without moving a muscle, we can put our mind anywhere in the body we choose and feel and be aware of whatever sensations are present in that moment.

    Basically, you slowly scan your body step-by-step, beginning with your head and working down. You pay attention to areas that feel tense or uncomfortable and become aware of what you’re feeling where and why. This slow progression helps keep the mind focused on the meditation and not distracted by everything else in the world (my normal problem with meditation). Better descriptions and free video/audio guided meditations can be found all over the internet. Like here, here, and here. Body-scan meditation is also really helpful for insomnia (Been there too.).

    I have a major presentation coming up on March 16. My prospectus defense! At least a week before, I’ll begin a daily body-scan meditation session. Then, the morning of my presentation I’ll have one more. I realize that for many people mediation can seem wishy-washy and completely useless. I’ve been that person. But for me, this helps. And that’s something.

    Helpful reads!

    • My current read: Dan Harmon of Nightline and Good Morning America fame recently published a book called 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in my Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works — A True Story. He had a severe panic attack in front of a national audience and now uses mindfulness to deal with stress. I’ve had one major panic attack in front of a much much smaller audience. Worst experience EVER, but I lived.
    • The wonderful Sarabryce, a fellow librarian, recently wrote about her struggles with shyness and public speaking on her blog, Bryce Don’t Play.
    • Thich Nhat Hanh is probably the most well-known voice on mindfulness. He’s written several books including The Miracle of Mindfulness. Such a wonderful read! I go back to his books again and again.