Dr. Abigail Leigh Phillips

Tag: education

  • “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch”: An Accidental Unwinding

    A Response to College and Research Libraries (C&RL) New’s latest post, “Librarians and Degree Seeking: The “Paper Ceiling” and Advancement in Academic Libraries”, a conversation between Nancy Shore, Kristina Clement, and Katherine Rose Adams

    During my last session, my therapist suggested I write a response, my own little Op-Ed, to the conversation circulated earlier this month. Not necessarily to publish or share with anyone. Writing is one (of the few ways) that significantly helps me process, reflect, and attempt to understand emotions, accounts, triggers, and encounters I struggle to verbalize. My therapist felt this practice may help me work through my intensely trauma response to the “Librarians and Degree Seeking” post which I read the morning of June 10th.

    A link to this post dropped into my Outlook while I sat in my very college town feel coffee shop and edited my summer course. I made it through the first exchange between the three authors. I could not keep reading. I felt numb, and, then quickly, I dissociated. Fully plunged back into experiences from my doctoral program. I spent my therapy session (thankfully) the next day unpacking how I relived my doctoral years so vividly and excruciatingly – all through that Monday, into the sleepless night, and bursting into Tuesday’s session. I did not (still do not) understand what these academics could discuss so brightly, enthusiastically, and almost flippantly what, in so many ways, shattered me.

    My doctoral experience appears distinctly different from those of the authors. I pursued a PhD because of the focus on deep research, writing, my need to feel as though I am contributing to something, and the lifelong pressing expectation for me to excel. I only worked in academic libraries, briefly, as an intern during my MLIS program. I had no interest (still have no interest at all) in ‘climbing the ladder’, becoming a dean, taking on any fully administrative position. Those roles would only take me away from the research, writing, and teaching thrive on. I am going up for tenure this fall, but even with that I took a year extension due my lengthy recovery from COVID.

    My actual degree, the nitty-gritties of my PhD program, and my relationship with doctoral life sharply differ from the EdD, asynchronous program the authors worked through. I left public librarianship to become a full time, funded PhD student in an information school at a large university from August 2012 until April 2016. I relocated to be near the university. I worked 20+ hours weekly for my teaching assistant, then a research assistantship, and, finally, lead instructor stipend. I spent my first two years of the program taking in-person seminar courses. I read and discussed and learned and engaged in research with faculty and independently. A very traditional PhD route. Not accessible to everyone. My lack of a partner or kids. My supportive family, the financial support through my doctoral program (Well. For the most part.) are privileges I fully recognize. I am often asked (not sure why) if I would do the PhD program over again. My answer is the same as when I graduated in 2016. A long pause, weighty inhale and exhale, and “I don’t know.”

    There are a number of specific quotes from the authors that did not anger me as much undid what had, while not exactly healed, been decently processed. I will highlight a few to shake them from my own rumination. Or attempt to do so.

    “I knew graduate school at this level would be a lot of work, but I didn’t want doctoral studies to take up all my time.” ~ Nancy Shore

    The author. Art Institute of Chicago. Mid-PhD program.

    The doctoral program became my entire life. Academia and our mentors, not just the doctoral program, encouraged us to never stop working. I wrote and graded and read and took notes and coded nights, weekends, and holidays. Switching work off felt like a failure. If you aren’t working, thinking about work, or explaining apologetically what has taken you away from work, shouldn’t you be? I identified as a doctoral student, a doctoral candidate, and, eventually, an official Doctor, wearing regalia and freshly hooded at graduation that sweltering spring in 2016. A post-doctoral and tenure-track faculty position later yet I cannot stop the impulse to fill every hour of the waking day with a task that will get me closer to something. A grant proposal, an almost finished manuscript, a service opportunity that will look good as a line on my CV, whatever will show that I am worth something to an institution that does not feel or care or remember you.

    “My theory is that if you’re going to get a “free” degree, it might as well be a big one!” ~ Nancy Shore

    I’m a blue collar, trailer park, scrappy kid from Southwest Georgia. The quote, “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.”, is very familiar to me. It’s almost laughable to think otherwise. You will pay in one way or the other. Maybe those from middle class and upper middle-class backgrounds believe in “free”, but I know better. I exchanged my sanity, any sense of self-worth I once possessed, and my physical health for my PhD. I reverted to unhealthy habits I learned as an undergrad to feel some ounce of control amidst the constant criticism, ableism, classism, sexual harassment, victim blaming, self-loathing, and fear. I graduated from the program numb, broken, and so very, very bitter. I gave everything I could. I received that fucking piece of paper in the mail, and I still felt like a failure. It is still in that envelope, next to other paperwork in my hallway closet.

    “Wait . . . maybe we should end our discussion here as I do not want to create any more competition!”~ Katherine Rose Adams

    Create any more competition? The competition is always present. I wrote about it in this very column last September with a former MLIS student and dear friend. I am not a competitive person, but the system will push you to engage in a battle for funding, recognition, tenure, or, the ever so rare, praise. Who you are competing against does not matter as much as how much you push yourself. You compete with yourself, other doctoral students, colleagues, others in your area of expertise, et al. Give me a minute, and I can spot competition, perhaps slyly concealed as a collegial discussion or constructive ‘feedback’.

    This is not intended to be combative, critical, or dismissive. This is just for me. To get out of my head and feel real. Somehow I felt that my doctoral program experience was discounted. Was it all in my head? Despite conducted research with LIS PhD students on their experiences (bleak), and all the (anecdotal) conversations I’ve had over the years with dear friends who shared similar experiences at other institutions. Still, I questioned myself and judged my sense of reality, even in my therapy session, “Did all that actually happen to me? Why does this post dig into me so uniquely and excruciatingly?”. Again, I don’t know. But I keep trying to find a new way through the wreckage.

    Abigail L. Phillips, MLIS, SLIS, PhD

    Shore, N., Clement, K., & Adams, K. (June 2024). Librarians and degree seeking: The “Paper Ceiling” and advancement in academic libraries. College & Research Libraries News, 85(6), 263. doi:https://doi.org/10.5860/crln.85.6.263

    The saying, “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch”, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”, or the initialism TANSTAAFL is attributed to Robert A. Heinlein’s sci-fi novel “The Moon is a Harsh Mistress“. I read that book in high school, but I remember hearing this quote randomly, outside of reading. It has been used by others including economists. Naturally. TIL.

  • The Mindful Presenter

    The Mindful Presenter

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve had an almost paralyzing fear of speaking in public. Despite the fact that I sung, acted, and improvised on stage while growing up, the idea of presenting my own thoughts and opinions to an audience terrified me. Then, once I became a librarian, that changed. Maybe because I played the role of a “librarian” to an audience instead of “Abby”, but whatever the reason, public speaking didn’t scare me. I loved doing television spots for the library, presenting in front of any age group, promoting the library during public events, and presenting one-on-one with patrons and staff. This confidence vanished when I left the library and became a doctoral student.

    I don’t exactly know why, but I have some ideas. There is something incredibility personal about what you chose to research, especially once you reach the dissertation stage. At least this is the case for me. I’m passionate about what I research. My dissertation consumes most of my waking thoughts, so the idea of someone criticizing my research and calling me out fills me with fear. I also worry that the audience will “see thorough me” in some way and realize that I’m a fake, a terrible researcher, writer, and generally bad person. The Imposter Syndrome is strongly at play here. I’ve written about my struggles with it before. I know logically that these feelings and thoughts aren’t true. But emotionally I don’t. I definitely don’t. This is where mindfulness helps.

    I’ve practiced mindfulness meditation for years following the suggestion of a childhood friend and now practicing therapist. (Well, attempting to practice for the most part. It’s hard.) But I never connected the usefulness of mindfulness to public speaking. Several months ago, one of my committee members recommended the book, Public Speaking for Psychologists: A Lighthearted Guide to Research Presentations, Job Talks, and Other Opportunities to Embarrass Yourself by Paul S. Silvia. Geared towards psychologists but helpful to anyone in the academic world, I love this book.

    Along with many other helpful reflections, the author discusses the use of meditation for reducing public speaking anxiety. He offers up a body-scan approach for use before presentations. Occasionally in yoga, I’m lucky enough to have an instructor who will end the class with a guided body-scan meditation. It’s amazingly relaxing and particularly helpful for those (like me) who have trouble shutting off their mind. I never would have thought about using this type of meditation to combat public speaking anxiety, but it has helped me more than I can express. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, apparently a fancy name in meditation,

    When we practice the body scan, we are systematically and intentionally moving our attention thought the body, attending to the various sensations in the different regions. That we can attend to these body sensations at all is quite remarkable. That we can do it at will, either impulsively or in a more disciplined systematic way, is even more so. Without moving a muscle, we can put our mind anywhere in the body we choose and feel and be aware of whatever sensations are present in that moment.

    Basically, you slowly scan your body step-by-step, beginning with your head and working down. You pay attention to areas that feel tense or uncomfortable and become aware of what you’re feeling where and why. This slow progression helps keep the mind focused on the meditation and not distracted by everything else in the world (my normal problem with meditation). Better descriptions and free video/audio guided meditations can be found all over the internet. Like here, here, and here. Body-scan meditation is also really helpful for insomnia (Been there too.).

    I have a major presentation coming up on March 16. My prospectus defense! At least a week before, I’ll begin a daily body-scan meditation session. Then, the morning of my presentation I’ll have one more. I realize that for many people mediation can seem wishy-washy and completely useless. I’ve been that person. But for me, this helps. And that’s something.

    Helpful reads!

    • My current read: Dan Harmon of Nightline and Good Morning America fame recently published a book called 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in my Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works — A True Story. He had a severe panic attack in front of a national audience and now uses mindfulness to deal with stress. I’ve had one major panic attack in front of a much much smaller audience. Worst experience EVER, but I lived.
    • The wonderful Sarabryce, a fellow librarian, recently wrote about her struggles with shyness and public speaking on her blog, Bryce Don’t Play.
    • Thich Nhat Hanh is probably the most well-known voice on mindfulness. He’s written several books including The Miracle of Mindfulness. Such a wonderful read! I go back to his books again and again.

  • tumblr + librarians = tumblarians *

    Somehow, despite my attempts to maintain a professional restraint on social media, I’ve become addicted to Tumblr.Over the past couple of months I’ve transitioned from lurker to a full blow devotee. It combines the freedom of blogging with the ease of Twitter. Basically it’s fun and a bit less intense than Facebook. Maybe what really drew me to Tumblr is the tumblrarian phenomenon. And I’m a part of it. A newbie tumblarian looking at with non-practitioner-at-the-moment eye. It’s been going on since 2011. Where have I been?

    For me (and many other librarians) Tumblr has become a way to support one another, talk about the profession, advocate for libraries to non-librarians, and exchange ideas for library programming/collection development/other resources. As a social media researcher I would be curious to look into why some librarians are turning to Tumbr as opposed to other social networking sites? How has these librarians’ Tumblr use impacted how they perceive and present their profession? How has this impacted their professional duties? Has librarians use of social media improved library services?

    As I writing this I’m attending ALA’s annual conference in Chicago where librarians are facebooking, tweeting, and tumblring (?) meetings, workshops, and social events. I’m curious what others think about social media and its uses as an information source for professional librarians. Are some sites more “education friendly” than others? How much of this use is social? How much is knowledge exchange or informal learning? How can LIS educators successfully use these tools to inform and educate future librarians? How can librarians successfully use these tools to inform and educate patrons?

    *a kind tumblarian laura-in-libraryland let me know that the tag has shifted to drop the extra ‘r’ –tumblarian!

    Tumblarian Reading:

    Library Journal: The Library is Open: A Look at Librarians and Tumblr

    The Digital Shift: Tumblarian 101: Tumblr for Libraries and Librarians