A Response to College and Research Libraries (C&RL) New’s latest post, “Librarians and Degree Seeking: The “Paper Ceiling” and Advancement in Academic Libraries”, a conversation between Nancy Shore, Kristina Clement, and Katherine Rose Adams
During my last session, my therapist suggested I write a response, my own little Op-Ed, to the conversation circulated earlier this month. Not necessarily to publish or share with anyone. Writing is one (of the few ways) that significantly helps me process, reflect, and attempt to understand emotions, accounts, triggers, and encounters I struggle to verbalize. My therapist felt this practice may help me work through my intensely trauma response to the “Librarians and Degree Seeking” post which I read the morning of June 10th.
A link to this post dropped into my Outlook while I sat in my very college town feel coffee shop and edited my summer course. I made it through the first exchange between the three authors. I could not keep reading. I felt numb, and, then quickly, I dissociated. Fully plunged back into experiences from my doctoral program. I spent my therapy session (thankfully) the next day unpacking how I relived my doctoral years so vividly and excruciatingly – all through that Monday, into the sleepless night, and bursting into Tuesday’s session. I did not (still do not) understand what these academics could discuss so brightly, enthusiastically, and almost flippantly what, in so many ways, shattered me.
My doctoral experience appears distinctly different from those of the authors. I pursued a PhD because of the focus on deep research, writing, my need to feel as though I am contributing to something, and the lifelong pressing expectation for me to excel. I only worked in academic libraries, briefly, as an intern during my MLIS program. I had no interest (still have no interest at all) in ‘climbing the ladder’, becoming a dean, taking on any fully administrative position. Those roles would only take me away from the research, writing, and teaching thrive on. I am going up for tenure this fall, but even with that I took a year extension due my lengthy recovery from COVID.
My actual degree, the nitty-gritties of my PhD program, and my relationship with doctoral life sharply differ from the EdD, asynchronous program the authors worked through. I left public librarianship to become a full time, funded PhD student in an information school at a large university from August 2012 until April 2016. I relocated to be near the university. I worked 20+ hours weekly for my teaching assistant, then a research assistantship, and, finally, lead instructor stipend. I spent my first two years of the program taking in-person seminar courses. I read and discussed and learned and engaged in research with faculty and independently. A very traditional PhD route. Not accessible to everyone. My lack of a partner or kids. My supportive family, the financial support through my doctoral program (Well. For the most part.) are privileges I fully recognize. I am often asked (not sure why) if I would do the PhD program over again. My answer is the same as when I graduated in 2016. A long pause, weighty inhale and exhale, and “I don’t know.”
There are a number of specific quotes from the authors that did not anger me as much undid what had, while not exactly healed, been decently processed. I will highlight a few to shake them from my own rumination. Or attempt to do so.
“I knew graduate school at this level would be a lot of work, but I didn’t want doctoral studies to take up all my time.” ~ Nancy Shore
The doctoral program became my entire life. Academia and our mentors, not just the doctoral program, encouraged us to never stop working. I wrote and graded and read and took notes and coded nights, weekends, and holidays. Switching work off felt like a failure. If you aren’t working, thinking about work, or explaining apologetically what has taken you away from work, shouldn’t you be? I identified as a doctoral student, a doctoral candidate, and, eventually, an official Doctor, wearing regalia and freshly hooded at graduation that sweltering spring in 2016. A post-doctoral and tenure-track faculty position later yet I cannot stop the impulse to fill every hour of the waking day with a task that will get me closer to something. A grant proposal, an almost finished manuscript, a service opportunity that will look good as a line on my CV, whatever will show that I am worth something to an institution that does not feel or care or remember you.
“My theory is that if you’re going to get a “free” degree, it might as well be a big one!” ~ Nancy Shore
I’m a blue collar, trailer park, scrappy kid from Southwest Georgia. The quote, “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.”, is very familiar to me. It’s almost laughable to think otherwise. You will pay in one way or the other. Maybe those from middle class and upper middle-class backgrounds believe in “free”, but I know better. I exchanged my sanity, any sense of self-worth I once possessed, and my physical health for my PhD. I reverted to unhealthy habits I learned as an undergrad to feel some ounce of control amidst the constant criticism, ableism, classism, sexual harassment, victim blaming, self-loathing, and fear. I graduated from the program numb, broken, and so very, very bitter. I gave everything I could. I received that fucking piece of paper in the mail, and I still felt like a failure. It is still in that envelope, next to other paperwork in my hallway closet.
“Wait . . . maybe we should end our discussion here as I do not want to create any more competition!”~ Katherine Rose Adams
Create any more competition? The competition is always present. I wrote about it in this very column last September with a former MLIS student and dear friend. I am not a competitive person, but the system will push you to engage in a battle for funding, recognition, tenure, or, the ever so rare, praise. Who you are competing against does not matter as much as how much you push yourself. You compete with yourself, other doctoral students, colleagues, others in your area of expertise, et al. Give me a minute, and I can spot competition, perhaps slyly concealed as a collegial discussion or constructive ‘feedback’.
This is not intended to be combative, critical, or dismissive. This is just for me. To get out of my head and feel real. Somehow I felt that my doctoral program experience was discounted. Was it all in my head? Despite conducted research with LIS PhD students on their experiences (bleak), and all the (anecdotal) conversations I’ve had over the years with dear friends who shared similar experiences at other institutions. Still, I questioned myself and judged my sense of reality, even in my therapy session, “Did all that actually happen to me? Why does this post dig into me so uniquely and excruciatingly?”. Again, I don’t know. But I keep trying to find a new way through the wreckage.
Abigail L. Phillips, MLIS, SLIS, PhD
Shore, N., Clement, K., & Adams, K. (June 2024). Librarians and degree seeking: The “Paper Ceiling” and advancement in academic libraries. College & Research Libraries News, 85(6), 263. doi:https://doi.org/10.5860/crln.85.6.263
The saying, “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch”, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”, or the initialism TANSTAAFL is attributed to Robert A. Heinlein’s sci-fi novel “The Moon is a Harsh Mistress“. I read that book in high school, but I remember hearing this quote randomly, outside of reading. It has been used by others including economists. Naturally. TIL.
