My Winter of “No. You Really Can’t.”

I’ve written in the past about my lifelong struggle with mental illness. Since I posted Parts One and Two last July about my panic attack during this past ALA Annual, I suffered two major bouts of depression – one that I’m still in the process of working through. Writing about these experiences reminds me that while I have really bad lows, I usually manage to crawl my way out of them through medication, therapy, exercise, and sharing.

My current episode of depression began in mid-December when I realized, “Oh. I’ve majorly overextended myself.” I procrastinated, misjudged deadlines, made promises that I thought I could deliver on, and more. I’ve told myself over and over again to back off and slow down. Once this spring semester began, I knew I was in trouble but still thought maybe I could manage. It would be some sort of point for bragging on social media among academics that I see all the time, right? “I’m so busy. I have so much work to do. I’m so committed to my profession.” and on and on.

But no. My body rebelled from the extreme stress and chronic anxiety over my professional and personal lives in ways it hasn’t since I was a teenager. I suffered persistent insomnia and stomach pains (“nervous stomach”, my mom called it) throughout middle and high school. This go-around kicked off in January with a lingering bad cold, nausea, dizziness spells, migraines, fatigue, cold sores, and cystic acne. Part way into my conferencing for the Association of Library and Information Science Education (ALISE) and ALA Midwinter earlier this month, my brain stopped recognizing hunger signals and lived for the most part on coffee and nerves. I didn’t sleep or rest much and felt disoriented at times. All the mental health planning I had done with my therapist in a session right before the conference escaped me.

By the time I got back to Utah late at night on February 12, I was exhausted and overwhelmed by emails, promises, deadlines, and life in general. A trip to the doctor showed that I had also developed an infection and my blood pressure was dangerously high. I finally realized (how did it take this long??) that no, I really can’t do this. Not anymore. My body and mind have been saying this for awhile, but I refused to listen.

Thankfully, I had scheduled a therapy session for right after I got back home (I always schedule one after a conference). My therapist expressed her concern that I would end up hospitalized if I didn’t do something soon. This scared me enough to actually change my situation. I made several painful decisions that I never thought I would have to make. Since these decisions affect a few people, I won’t go into them. But mostly I backed away from some promises. I had to say, “No. I can’t do this right now.” I opened up and cried. I had to put my mental and physical health first. I felt selfish and cruel for doing these things. I still do at times.

This all happened last week. The weekend was painful and so were Monday and Tuesday of this week; but it’s getting better. I have wonderful friends in town who let me hang out over the weekend when I couldn’t be alone. I cuddled with their pups. I had other friends to call and help work through my fears, depression, and anxiety.


Important pup support!

Right now I’m actively working on healing. For me, healing is helped by finding activities and adventures to plan. I have a trip planned for later this semester to a city I love (HI CHICAGO!!!), exciting research projects to dig into, marathon training to figure out, way too many books to read, and long thinking drives into the mountains.

One reason I wanted to write this post is because it’s the perfect week to share what I’ve been dealing with this winter. But I mainly wrote this because I needed to do my tiny part in normalizing (not sure that’s the right word) mental illness. I identify as a person who is mentally ill. I live and struggle with mental illness, and I’ve done so for a long time. But as I live with Bipolar II disorder, social anxiety, panic disorder, and more, I also live a fulfilling and meaningful life. I have good days and bad days. I enjoy my work. I have a family and friends. I love traveling and wandering around big cities for hours. I run for long distances (not very fast but I run). I get really excited about random things and say, “Yay!” a lot. I’m a person.

Mental illness shouldn’t be something shameful and hidden. We shouldn’t be afraid to talk about it for fear of losing our jobs, family, or friends. But that’s still what’s happening. The stigma, associated fear, and loneliness is real. I don’t know how to end this post except to say this is all very hard and frustrating and confusing, but I’m there too. And so many others. You are not alone.

6 thoughts on “My Winter of “No. You Really Can’t.”

  1. Thank you for being so open and forthcoming about your experience, allowing others to draw comfort from this. You are anything but selfish but exhibiting health self respect (selfishness is putting your WANTS over the NEEDS of others; self respect is putting your NEEDS over the WANTS of others).

    Feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, rest. Thanks for sharing!

    • Thank you for your kind words. I’m working on improving my overall health. It was terrifying to talk about at first but then incredibly liberating. BTW I organized a free “mental health awareness within the librarian profession” webinar. It would also be great to have a mental health professional in the audience. If you are interested. link here:

      • Thanks for the invitation, I registered. I’m sure being exposed like that is terrifying indeed. It is one of the bravest thing a person can ever do – to come forward and say “this is who I am”, despite stigma, social norms and judgments, etc.

  2. I 100% agree with what you say about normalizing mental illness. Everyone has such a scary image in their mind and it added to the alienation I did to myself last year, still do. People that are open and can talk about it are paving the way for the future when it is finally discussed.

  3. Holy crap this is brave. I hope you are doing well at this moment in time. Every mental issue is of course case by case, but I can tell you it can and often times gets better. I’m proof of that. It’s been a long road, but my panic attacks are very very rare now. And when they do come, I am able to get back on track within an hour or two versus several days. Also bouts of depression are very short lived. No magic formula, just did a lot of work, cognitive behavioral therapy, some EMDR, and meds, all helped me considerably.

  4. Thank you for this post. I am considering/have practically decided to pursue my PhD in library sciences AND I have Bipolar II as well…and ADHD. These are disorders I had while getting my BA and MLIS, but were undiagnosed. Until now, I’ve answered any suggestion of getting my PhD with a resounding, “NO!” But now I know what I am fighting against, I am gaining knowledge and resources to fight and it’s opened up my world.
    Reading that you have Bipolar II and you DID IT – you got your PhD – strengthens my resolve and my belief that I can do it, too. That, like one of my favorite ADHD podcasters says, “We can do hard things.”
    Thank you for being open about your struggles. I am not ready to share mine with the world yet, so I admire those who do. It sounds cliche, but by sharing, you inspire the rest of us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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